If you're curious about the BDSM lifestyle, or enjoy a few kinky activities in the bedroom, you'll love this guide to kinky sex. Kink has become more mainstream over the last decade. In fact, some experts believe that BDSM is now the fastest growing sexual subculture in the United States. For couples who want to explore their fantasies, BDSM can provide a safe space for experimentation and sexual adventure.

What does BDSM mean?

BDSM is an acronym that stands for bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism… but it also includes a wide range of activities such as sensory play, fetishes, and roleplay. Kinky partners engage in activities like spanking, bondage, sensation play, or use consensual power exchange to create 'scenes' where one partner is dominant in the bedroom while the other is submissive.

BDSM has become increasingly popular over the years. In fact, some estimates suggest that at least 20% of the adult population practices BDSM. And, according to a study conducted by the Kinsey Institute, nearly half of men and women surveyed said they had practiced some form of bondage, dominance, submission, or sadomasochism.

Which kinks are included in BDSM?

Although the acronym only mentions a few kinky activities, there is a wide range of activities included in BDSM. Here are just a few:

  • Bondage - typing up or restraining a partner using rope, leather cuffs, or other equipment.
  • Domination/submission - being allowed to take charge in the bedroom, or letting someone else take charge.
  • Sadism - enjoying inflicting pain on others, consensually, of course!
  • Masochism - enjoying having pain inflicted on you.
  • Roleplay - enacting sexy scenarios, sometimes with costumes or props – naughty nurse, anyone?
  • Foot fetish - sexy activities involving feet, such as foot or shoe worship, or foot-jobs.
  • Pegging - using a strap-on to have anal sex with a partner.
  • Latex, leather and other clothing fetishes - being turned on by wearing certain materials, such as latex catsuits or leather costumes.
  • Impact play - using specialised equipmen like floggers, riding crops, canes, paddles, or just your hands, to strike someone in a way that's painful and/or pleasurable.

There are many kinds of play that aren't mentioned here! Anything that isn't 'vanilla' (or mainstream) is considered a kink. That's a pretty wide definition, and it's up to you to decide whether what you like is kinky or not.

Key BDSM terms you should know

If you're interested in experimenting with BDSM, there are some key terms you need to know:

  • Top - the person that's 'doing' a particular activity or action
  • Bottom - the person who is 'receiving' that activity or action
  • Dominant - a person who is in control or giving orders
  • Submissive - a person who is giving up control, following orders, etc
  • Scene - a planned sexy play session. Think of a 'scene' in a play, with a beginning, middle and end.

The benefits of being kinky

It's not just about fun – there are unexpected benefits of being into BDSM. Studies have shown that people who practice BDSM can show more signs of being happy and well-adjusted than those who don't. Couples who practice BDSM together tend to have better communication skills and can feel closer to each other.

BDSM is not abuse

Although BDSM can involve some very intense sexual situations and activities, it's important to remember that BDSM is not inherently abusive. Kinky play always needs to be consensual – everyone involved agrees to what happens, and anyone can stop the play at any time if they feel uncomfortable or change their minds.

Being pressured into doing a kink activity isn't okay. And if you decide at any point that you're not enjoying yourself, it's essential to communicate this to your partner, and to be listened to.

BDSM has the potential to cause physical or psychological injury if done incorrectly, or without proper consent.

Many BDSM enthusiasts subscribe to the principle of 'risk-aware consensual kink' (RACK). This means that you take steps to make sure that you understand the risks associated with certain activities. For example, if you want to use restraints, you might discuss how tight the bondage will be, and how long you'll be tied for. If you want to use a whip, you might discuss how hard you want it to hit, and where exactly it's safe to whip your partner's body. Doing your research first, taking instructional classes or workshops, and speaking to more experienced kinksters (online or at in-person events) is a great way to understand the risks associated with a particular BDSM activity.

Alongside risk awareness, good consent practices are essential – everyone involved needs to say 'yes' to what is planned. Safe words – specific words that can stop play immediately if participants feel uncomfortable – are very important! You can use multiple words (like 'green', 'amber' and 'red' to communicate 'keep going', 'slow down' or 'stop the scene!') Non-verbal safe ‘words’ are great for when gags are involved, and can also be useful for some people who might have trouble verbalising in the moment. Agree on these beforehand, and make sure that when a safeword is use, it is respected.

Getting started with BDSM

If you’re new to BDSM, you might be wondering how to get started trying out kink with your partner. Here are some tips.

Negotiating BDSM play with your partner

If you've been thinking about trying BDSM together, but aren't quite sure how to go about it, start simple by talking to each other about what you'd like to do. You don't have to plan an elaborate scene, just talk openly about what you'd like and why. You may want to watch some kinky porn together, or read some BDSM erotica to see what activities appeal to both of you. There are also quizzes you can take together online.

Beginner BDSM and kink activities

Not all BDSM activities are beginner-friendly. If you're experimenting with kink, it's best to start slowly and check in often with your partner to see how they're feeling. Fun beginner activities include:

Blindfolds - Use a light scarf to blindfold your partner and touch them gently. Use implements with different textures to create varied sensations, and see if you can make your partner shiver – or squirm!

Spanking - A light spanking on the butt – using only your hand – is a fairly safe activity, as long as you avoid the tailbone area. Make sure you start out soft and slow and build the intensity of the spanking to your partners liking.

Light domination - you may wish to direct your partner in how you like to be pleasured, or have them direct you.

Once you've tried some of these activities, you may want to explore more advanced play or equipment by reading some books on BDSM, researching your kinks online, or finding a BDSM community in your local city or online on platforms such as Reddit or Fetlife. There are lots of great resources out there to help you learn new skills and inform your kinky play!

In conclusion, BDSM can be a lot of fun...

...if you take the time to research the activities you're interested in, talk things over with your partner, and practice good consent.

BDSM can include a huge range of fun, hot, or intense activities. Not every kink is right for every person, but you may find that by talking things over with your partner you find some common interests, or shared fetishes!

Whatever you choose, don't forget to manage the risks, do your research, and use safe words to ensure everyone feels secure and comfortable.

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